hey kids- sarabeth here. i thought i'd sqeeze in a hello to bernard since we don't really ever see eachother these days.

so barnyard i wasnt kidding when i said you're welcome to stay at my place anytime you need to- just to chill or w/e. i wish things weren't so coarse between your mom and my folks. it seriously seems like theres so much hostility that is just allowed to fester forever.

there's so much we need to talk about bernard. i really miss you, you know. you are my little brother, no matter what everyone else says. i want you to come over and we can just hang out, order pizza and watch movies or go to the hottub or you can stay in a dark room all alone just like you always wanted. i just wanna hang out i guess. i dont think i emphasized enough that it really felt like you dumped me. i mean i know you didnt intend for it to seem like that but its just that since ive been home and you promptly left, i havent heard  so much as a thanks for all youve done towards anyone or anything like that. i had no idea you were leaving for good, nor do i see the diference for the better its going to be making in your life. but i guess it just makes me sad that after all the years we spent together arguing and laughing, from playing legos or chatting or going through band to dealing with all the shit that just comes with the maturation territory, after all weve been thru you just can walk away from it without a word back to me. i dont mind you leaving, everyone does, i did it, but i guess i wish it didnt seem like you were glad to be gone or w/e. i mean, i havent chatted with you face to face since october, bernard. 7 months, i think? 7 months bernard. come on.

alright, well im done. i dont know how this finds you, but i hope its well. please dont forget that i care about you bernard and i want to be there for you, alright?

i know things have been otherwise in the past, but know that no matter what, i will not judge you for whatever reason. ive been through a lot lately and i guess all im asking is to be able to provide for you what i wished i had been provided months ago. nothing you say or do will change that i love you bernard and that i care about you. i want to respect whatever choices you make, but half the time i dont even know where you are, let alone what youre doing.

alright im really done now. i hope ill talk to you soon, mmk?  call me boi.

I just got back from the beach, took the dog out for a bit, and I guess I just had one of those moments... I mean It was awesome really.

Im sitting there on the beach with happy sprawled out on my left, we're just watching the waves, the clouds, listening to the weather, that kind of thing. To the right are a handful of fishermen for maybe a mile or two up the shore, surfers out in the waves, bright somewhat cloudy skies, etc. To the left however, there's just a few scattered beachcombers that are happily overshadowed by the most innocently ominous rainclouds that stretch out to the horizon over the sea. It honestly felt like something out of the truman show. To my right are miles of beach and waves, and to my left after about 1/4 mile nothing but a wall of cloud. Like the beach was just cut off. I don't know why I felt like writing about it on xanga, I try and keep this journal as down to earth as possible, but w/e. So it's just ironic I suppose because where I was sitting, it was perfect weather yet in the distance I can -hear- the thunder. Because most storms for us come from the northeast, it was like... foreshadowing maybe? Just strange. It was like, staring at a timeline of a life that you'd already lived. You know exactly how things will play out and at what times and to what intensities, yet for some reason you're still there. I think nostalgic is a good word, even tho it sounds contradictory. Being RIGHT on the beach never fails to intensify the feelings of littleness when bad weather becomes so apparent.

Well aside from my momentary observance of the weather, I'd like to wish you all a happy easter and hope that all is well with you and yours.

Currently Reading Russka : The Novel of Russia By EDWARD RUTHERFURD see related

http://www.grayace.com/dex/bunny.html

Oh my goodness...

It's shocking how shocking it can be to find out that people -really- don't know certain things you just assume everyone did.

So the other day I passed this flag shoppe on St. George and I bought this really neat 3' x 5' Texas flag. I hung it in my window last night to just show a bit of Texan pride, right up against the glass in front of the blinds... My good buddy comes over afterward and he's all... UMM Sb, what's with your cuban flag??  -_-   Now I can understand why HE might not see the OBVIOUS differences between a texas flag and cuban- being that he's a russian immigrant, but this morning is what was so funny. My mom just left here a couple of minutes ago and I was helping Ellie (my grandfather's wife) clean up the guest bedroom. I asked her how she liked my flag and she hesitated and said it was nice. Lol... we started talking and come to find out all this time she'd thought I was hanging the "mormon star" in my window.

Now come on, mormons are cool, but come on! Try and immagine this. Ellie is the most uptight, serious, pridefully educated woman I've ever met/had to live with. I couldn't help but snicker about that and she looked at me totally straight faced, "Now honestly sb, I really thought it was the mormon star flag. I don't really think of you as being so much from Texas as just being a Mormon."

But I digress. Yesterday was so wonderful. Ugh.. it was just one of those days that makes you so glad you've put up with everything prior to that. I just wanted to share that with my xanga. Also, I'd just like to point out how greatful I am for everything.

Even my athiest grandparents and their ignorance of the lone-star flag :D

I love you guys *this much*!   

Currently Playing Futures By Jimmy Eat World see related

Wow, I didn't thing that BRIBING you all would actually produce results, however minimal they may be. Heck even Xanga said, "Hi shwanketernity! It's been 421 (wow, that's a big number) days since you joined Xanga..." Isn't that sweet? They've been keeping tabs on the number of DAYS we've been together. *sigh*

Man I miss you guys.

Somebody kiss Vic for me aight?